Independence Day

I have no independence, are you kidding me?

I'd rather be independent than rely on my so called fiance, or listen to him complain all day long about things our daughter messes up, or how much she eats, or how much she uses the bathroom, or saying that he can't understand the things she says and that all she says is "goo goo ga ga" etc...


and I would rather be independent than listen to my so called fiance complain about me daily, tell me I look like a man, tell me I'm "too no count" to do anything, I'm not a real woman, I'm not a good woman, all I care about is "that baby" complain about how I never clean or cook, sorry but I've been trying... Between L. and M. I can't keep the house spotless, it's impossible...

I'm also tired of feeling like he is going to kick me out for every little thing that I do wrong... I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of designing and him wanting to take every penny I have in my paypal... I make it, I work hard on what I do and I don't take his money that he makes from his checks or from mowing yards... I never ask him for money... Every once in a while I ask him to buy us something to eat... He never buys M. anything to eat though... She's old enough to eat real food damn it.

I'm sick of him complaining that I don't have sex with him enough, I'm sick of him all around.

I'm sick of him always shoving his balls and dick in my face and he won't move until I kiss it, then I have to lick it, then I have to put it in my mouth... FUCK, hey ass hole, I told you in the beginning I don't do that shit... I was forced to do it in my last relationship or beaten when I didn't so no, I'd rather have a choice in my life this time around.

I thought with L. life was going to be better, he's always telling me that it's hell being with me, and always telling me to leave or that I need to ride out with family if they are here at the time etc... or that I need to get the fuck out of his house... then when I'm ready to go he always sucks me back in by telling me that he loves me and that he is sorry and he didn't mean it...

Well, let me tell you a few weeks ago, L. was drinking... L. got drunk and came upstairs at 3 something in the morning, I hadn't gotten to sleep at all yet... I kept having to get up with M. , she falls out of her bed often or wakes up and I go and change her diaper and she goes back to sleep..

Anyway, over and over until 4 something he kept telling me to play a song, he would say "just play one more" and he was sitting there drunk, and sitting up and falling over and falling asleep and I'd had enough... I know how his temper is when he's drinking so I say it nicely, Baby, will you come lay down and go to sleep with me? I want to hold you?

Oh hell no, that did it... He got pissed and started telling me how I do everything for my family and nothing for him, I'm a shitty mom and a shitty woman... Then proceeds to tell me to get the fuck out of his house... so, I go to my daughter's room to let him calm down and hope that he'll fall asleep or at least go back downstairs...

He then comes in there and after I change her diaper, he gets pissed and grabs my face and keeps telling me to shut the fuck up, well he then slams my head in to the wall over and over, so hard that you can hear the windows rattling on the other wall... I keep asking him over and over what's wrong with him and what is he doing?! I was in shock, never expected this from him.

He's smoking a cigar, I push him away from me, and he falls on to our daughter in her bed asleep... She starts crying, I notice his fire or cherry whatever you want to call it, from his cigar is laying beside of her head... He gets back up and won't let me have M.

He picks her up and I walk downstairs with her diaper bag, I make her a sippy... He's there and gives me our daughter and tells me I need to get the fuck out and take that brat with me and tells me that she isn't his fucking daughter... I'm carrying her and I try to walk out the door...

He grabs her and I hold on to her and she cries, I let her go because I don't want to hurt her... He proceeds to tell me that he can at least tell his daughter bye... Walking Stumbling contradiction don't ya think? Well while he is holding her and kissing her he tells me again how she isn't his and that I need to get the fuck out and take that god damn brat with me... (Lord, forgive me.)

Okay so finally he gives her back and I leave... I walk out the door, and he follows... I'm holding my daughter and her diaper bag also... He keeps walking down the road with me, I tell him to go back home, he doesn't listen... He tells me to shut the fuck up and hold his hand, like I'm supposed to act like none of this happened...

Well, I'm not putting on a fake ass smile for anyone anymore, why should he look like a good guy when he isn't?

Anyway, so I keep walking, he tries to grab M. again and she screams super loud... I cry because she's crying... plus I'm so shook up already, I feel like there is no telling what he would do to me or her at the time... I was scared.

Okay, so finally I get to the road right off of our street and he turns around and walks back the other way... I cry so hard and I keep telling M. how sorry I am... We walk to the pawn shop, I see L drive by and wave him down, worried he will wreck I want him to see me so I can drive him... He doesn't stop, I walk to the side of the building and I take out my phone that he bent in half, bend it back where the battery will fit in it again and call my mom... I tell her I'm at the pawn shop with M. and I need her to come and get me ASAP.

I sit there at the pawn shop and a cop rides by and sees me, I tell him I'm just walking to get some air... although, I was sitting at the time lol. I tell him my mom is on her way, and he tells me he will sit with me and wait until my mom gets there, I tell him she's in another city like an hour away... He doesn't mind.

I tell the cop I need my daughter's car seat, which is in my fiance's car... He gives me his phone to try to call L. and ask him for the car seat, L doesn't answer... I figure he is at his mom's since I never seen him drive by and I tell them our address, when they say that he isn't there... I tell them L's mom's address, another cop comes a few minutes later with M's car seat...

Around 5 something, when it's getting day light my mom and dad finally arrive, I was so thankful... I light a cigarette, I needed it after all of that... I keep crying and telling M. how sorry I was...

I stay at my parents' home for a few days, until father's day and feel bad for taking M. away when L doesn't get to see his other two kids on that day... I call L, and tell him he can come and get us... and that's it... I'm back here... Begging him not to drink again, or at least stay away from me while he does and he says okay, then buys liquor while he's out one day...

I'm sick of this shit... and you know something else... Yes, marijuana is illegal but I do enjoy smoking it some times, it helps me sleep and it's the only time I'm laughing and I miss laughing, I mean I laugh at M all the time, she's my world... but sometimes, I just want to be high, that's all I can say... I don't do it around my daughter and I always make sure my parents will have her when I do it... and only do it one time every few months...

L gets pissed when I smoke it, but at the time says he doesn't care as long as it's not around our daughter or him... so I never do it at home, I never do it around either of them... yet he still complains and bitches at me...

Anyway, thanks for listening, I'll let you swallow all of that and I'll write more in a little bit.

The "soon to be" step kid... plus one.

Okay so a little more about L.

L. is married at the moment. He has been married since before we started dating. He has a child with a woman who isn't his wife... In fact, he got married while the other woman was pregnant.

L.'s son is six. L. was subpoenaed to court because his wife is an unfit mother who has given birth to five children and has none of them...

L. was made to take a paternity test, L.'s court appointed attorney tells him the children are not his and that he should go ahead and relinquish his rights to them. He was only tested for two of them. We'll call them A. and B. Baby A. was only a month or so old so we knew that he wasn't L's for sure... We apparently didn't calculate right, and were very stupid for listening to the attorney...

You see, B. is L's child. She is five years old. We didn't know, and didn't think about getting the results back or seeing them for ourselves until his son's mother kept telling him that the child was his... and that his wife told her that.

Great. Just friggin' great. L. is devastated... Trying all that he can to reinstate his rights, calling numerous attorneys... His daughter is in foster care, maybe even adopted... We don't know, and can't find out because he relinquished his parental rights. It really sucks.

Anyway, so the day we seen the results I left the room, rushed to the bathroom to puke and cried my eyes out. I didn't know how to feel and maybe it was selfish of me but I wanted to leave... I wanted M. to be his first daughter, I wanted her to be special.

You see, he already pays more attention to his son... and spends very little time with M. It's sad... The relationship between L. & M.

Anyway, more about life later. Thanks for reading.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm starting this off by telling a little bit about me so that you know where I am in life... I've been through a lot of difficult journeys in my life and I'll post about them next.

I have a child... She is my whole world, and I mean that. We'll call her M. I'm engaged to her father, we'll call him L. Let's start you off by telling how L. and I started dating...

      I was sixteen years old, and L. was twenty one. I had been out of an abusive relationship for only one week and four days. There was a huge thing going on in our city for a holiday (I won't say which one). I saw L. at the store and asked him for his phone number...
     He was in a hurry so he gives me a number, and it sounded fake... I watched for him all over town to see if he was around so maybe we could talk more, but didn't see him... That night I went home and kept trying to have my brother call him to see if the number was real, but he wouldn't.
     The next day, I called and asked if L. was there and for some reason said okay and hung up the phone... He called back. He asked if I liked him, then asked why. It was a cute conversation and I'd never really dated before. That day he came over to my parents' house and we watched a movie... I have no idea what movie it was.
     That night I found out that L. had a child already, I didn't think much of that... I didn't mind... Little did I know how much drama would come along with this relationship. Anyway, it started that way.
      We dated for two months and he was already cheating on me. My grandmother passed away, and L. was dodging me with his new fling... After that my parents' moved out of state... Half way across the country... They came back in October, I wanted to go with them but I was scared... You see, change just isn't my thing.
      I stayed here and moved in with my brother's girlfriend, L. eventually moved in with me there. We stayed there for a couple months, and then found a note on our door from my brother telling us we needed to help pay with bills or move out. We left. The bills were paid by the government, so I didn't see the point in us paying.
      Anyway, we left and tried to stay at L.'s aunt's apartment, but she wouldn't even open the door. It was winter, we drove to his father's work and waited... We then went just near there (in sight) and got an apartment. They were crappy apartments.
      We then stayed together there for two months, the longest two months of my life. We panhandled for those months daily just to pay the $90 weekly rent. Panhandling is bumming, asking for money from random people. It sucked, but we were young and I don't know where the idea came from but we did it.
       After the two months of living there, we were told that an apartment had opened up and it was available to us. Income based apartments. They were very nice so we were excited, plus we didn't have to bum any more and there was heat and air built in. Super exciting.
       Well, we still here... We have inspections all the time and it's super annoying. Okay so after a year of being together, I tried to go to the state my parents' were living in. Ended up not wanting to leave L. and coming back to him... He took me all the way there to visit though. It was awesome.
       We came back and now we're just here. After two years my parents' moved back here, it was one of the happiest days of my life. A couple months later, I miss my period, take a pregnancy test and send a picture of it to my mom. I was so happy and so scared at the same time. My mom was ecstatic.
       Eight months later out comes my amazing and beautiful daughter M. I was so in love and I still am. I've never known a love like this... She's (let's say) twenty months old now... I stay at home with her every day. Her first birthday was great, except for the fact that L's mom kept rushing me to cut the cake so she could leave, I waited until everyone had eaten, talked, and M. opened her presents... That and I didn't get to get her a single thing. That broke my heart.
       Christmas that year was terrible for me also. We were snowed in and yet again I got to get her absolutely nothing... Luckily, she was young enough to not notice... I had thought that we would be able to bring her to my parents' house and she would open presents there, but the snow stopped that. It was a hard year.
       As of now, I'm trying to do design online so I can save money for her birthday and Christmas this year... I think so far, this has been long enough... Thanks for reading, I'll post more soon.